CPR
by Fate VII
Summary: Sequel to 'Breath of Evil'. So Ryou does some high-level yami avoidance. Fine and dandy for him, but what's a yami supposed to do when they're going insane from isolation? Songfic to 'Until It Sleeps'


Fate: I had long break. I felt like writing something. So I'm doing this, at long long long last. So for all of you who screamed "SEQUEL!!" to "Breath of Evil", here it is. Now stop poking me! ^^;;

Disclaimer: Fate does not own Yu-Gi-Oh. It belongs to Kazuki Takahashi. "Until It Sleeps" is a song redone by Metallica, as far as we know. Fate has a weird cover version of it. Blame that 2-CD set she got.

Max: Now on with the angst--er, fic!

_&_

_"Until it sleeps..."_

I lie awake, staring at the ceiling, eyes glazed from not blinking.

He's left me again.

And I'm not brave enough to call him back.

I'm a fucking coward hiding in an angel's costume.

_"Where do I take this pain of mine  
I run, but it stays right my side"_

What to do, what to say? I lie here and stare and think and stare and think, lusting and dreaming and longing and doing all those hopeless things that I perfected in my short, traumatic lifetime.

I am dead.

And I always, always know it.

You just aren't the same after you die. It changes you.

Of course it changes you. Did you think it would do anything but? It changes him too, like having a dead Siamese twin. You don't know how to do anything but wither away as well. So he clings to me and throws himself into the screaming darkness, dragging me into the recesses of my mind where even I won't go.

He knows more about me than I do by now, I'm sure.

_"So tear me open, pour me out  
There's things inside that scream and shout  
And the pain still hates me"_

I'm not masochistic.

Laugh all you like, Ryou, I'm not.

But you're in the darkness and you're suffering and I'm always going after you and I'm always holding onto you and then you let me go and I fall.

You let me go and then I let you slip away when you jump down to join me. You wander away into the darkness and I'm alone again.

You could have saved me.

But you don't care.

_"So hold me, until it sleeps"_

And nobody catches me when I collapse again because you're off in your own little world.

Nobody cares but you and now you don't care either.

_"Just like the curse, just like the stray  
You feed it once, and now it stays_

_So tear me open, but beware  
There's things inside without a care"_

You've delved deep into me looking for someone to love you. You could have found it if you only found me, you know. 

You could have had it.

But no. You don't want it. You don't want me, deep in your heart. You couldn't possibly want me and yet leave me and leave me and leave me and leave me with nothing but the falsity of breathing just to hear a noise in that horrible emptiness.

You left me...!

And, damn it all, now I'm crying...

Maybe it'll wash me clean.

False hope, isn't it?

It's all I have to cling to, now that you've given up on me. You hold out your hand and snatch it back when I reach for it, turning away and shaking your head like I never even tried.

Or like I was never there.

_"And the dirt still stains me  
So wash me, until I'm clean"_

Don't you want me?

I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I am nothing without you, don't you understand? I am nothing! I'm your shadows and your hopes and your dreams and your demons. I'm everything you can't stand to be and I'm what holds you through the nightmares when it all resurfaces. I'm what drags you to the edge of sanity and holds you there, teasing and laughing and adoring you blindly and mindlessly.

_"It grips you, so hold me"_

The madness is there and it's dragging you away. You are mine. It won't have you. It will never have you.

You are mine.

Do you understand my possessiveness if not my love?

_"It stains you, so hold me"_

I corrupted you unknowingly. You explored my mind and became tarnished, became less than you thought you could be, became nothing in your own eyes.

You're not nothing. I am nothing.

So you can't be nothing too.

_"It hates you, so hold me"_

You weren't meant to go there. I wasn't meant to go in there. Why do you think it was so hard to find? You just fell into a trap like an innocent.

Like you.

You're innocent...and I'm so horribly jaded that I'm naïve. 

_"It holds you, so hold me"_

Don't do this to me. Don't lose yourself. Don't leave me alone. Don't...

Just don't.

Just come back in here with me and stay with me all night, and chase away the nightmares that haunt me until I can sleep.

_"Until it sleeps..."_

These horrible long nights are no longer a haven for me.

Come back and hold me.

Come back.

Right now.

...why can't you hear me?

_"So tell me why you've choosen me  
Don't want your grip, don't want your greed"_

You lust and lust and lust and lust and I don't see anything more in your eyes. I see no life, no spark of realization, no spark of _anything_ except wild teenage lust when you look at me at night.

It's all I have from you and I'll take it.

I'll use it.

I'll bite down on it and make you bleed, make you scream, make you mine. You always were mine.

And then the darkness stole you away.

My darkness.

I've lost you to myself, or maybe even yourself.

_"I'll tear me open, make you gone  
No more can you hurt anyone  
And the fear still shakes me"_

You _are_ mine.

I'm yours.

Don't you want me?

After all this, are you going to just toss me aside and let me go? Are you? 

Tell me!

Don't listen to me but hear me. Know me. Know me like I know you do. You know I mean nothing when I rebel against this. You feel the falseness of the lies as a burning pressure on your mind. It burns my throat and makes my eyes water when I lie to you because you hate it so much.

But I lie and lie and lie and lie and you believe.

Why do you do that to me?

You believe my falsities and scorn my truths, and nothing I say will change you because you know what you believe and you know what I am.

But you know we're both wrong.

I'm wrong. I'm hurt. I'm alone. And I'll never admit it to anyone but you, because you won't hurt me.

But surprise surprise, telling the truth to your face is the most painful thing I could do.

Why can't we just forego words and just be and breathe and pretend that we're not lost in death and darkness and insanity?

Hold me and don't let me fall. Just once.

Just enough.

_"So hold me, until it sleeps"_

Keep me and take care of me and make me yours until the screaming insanity fades. I am nothing but shadows anyway.

And I dream of ruling the world.

....it's a joke, isn't it?

_"I don't want it"_

I, shadows and shades, death behind a pale mask in a young boy's body, want to control all life on this planet with seven bits of gold washed in blood.

It would have been my blood if I hadn't escaped.

It still was my blood in the end.

And I say I want this power.

_"So tear me open, but beware  
The things inside without a care  
And the dirt still stains me  
So wash me, 'till I'm clean"_

I can scream and scream and wash my hands over and over again, but I've got so much blood on them that they'll never come clean. I'm fit to rule the world. I'm already insane and dark and wild and murderous.

The monikers choke me and ensnare me, warping me with every passing day. They burn themselves into my soul and the scorch marks start to rot, corrupting me from the inside out.

Corrupting _you_ from the inside out.

You could cleanse me and cleanse yourself. 

But you don't care.

You're lost in darkness and you don't care.

You're dying alone and you don't care.

You're fucking _killing_ me!

And you just don't care.

_"I'll tear me open, make you gone  
No longer will you hurt anyone"_

You mouth pretty words to me and love me and touch me and breathe with me and then you leave.

And you sleep innocently in the hallway, listening to my nightmares and my torment with a dispassionate face. And then you skip school to drown in my darkness with a blissful smile on your face, melting into me and becoming me and edging me into oblivion.

Do you want me or do you want to _be_ me?

Do you want to rule the world?

I'll lay it at your feet.

You.

Are.

Mine.

And you will never become me.

I won't let you.

_"And the fear still shapes me  
So hold me, until it sleeps"_

I'll fight and fight and fight and fight, because I don't want you to be me. I don't want you to suffer and scream and cry like me until all you want is to rule heaven and earth so this sort of thing will never happen to you again and all you need to live is revenge and all you want is yourself from a time long past.

You're the only one I fear.

And you're gaining power over me.

And someday I won't be there. I'll just fall forever and you'll just let me go just like always, and nothing and no one will ever catch me.

I am the darkness. From the darkness I always return.

And to the darkness I will always go.

_"Until it sleeps..."_

I slowly crawl out of the room, dragging myself silently down the hall to you and wrapping my arms around you. 

You sleep.

And you don't wake to me.

You never wake when I do this.

Stifling my screams in your shoulder, letting my tears fall on your hair, begging you silently to wake up and touch me and reassure me I'm still truly alive.

_"Until it sleeps..."_

It's a fake.

And I close my eyes and hang on to you and don't let go for once.

Because you're mine.

_"Until it sleeps..."_

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

...I can't do it.

I can't breathe.

_"Until it sleeps..._"

%

Fate: *pokes fic* You're scaring me. Indeed you are. I didn't think this could work, but it did. I feel very proud of myself now. Now review it and be happy!


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